we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
