Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
