I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
