someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
