Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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