On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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