Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
