I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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