Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
