life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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