AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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