maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
