you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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