Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
