im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
