Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
