Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am spending my child support on dildos
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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