We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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