Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you traded sex for a burrito?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
