you guys were way drunker than both of me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
