I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We talked him into tasing himself.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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