I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
