Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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