so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
