there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
