Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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