I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
