Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
there is glitter all over my balls
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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