Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
