Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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