whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
