Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
