Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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