I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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