Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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