Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize