Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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