dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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