You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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