Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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