how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
