apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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