So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize