just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
