I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You are the jesus of drinking
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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