watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
