I want to walk on stilts...naked
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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