When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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