I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
