yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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