I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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