My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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