this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
