mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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