he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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