In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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