Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
