You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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