I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
