I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize