smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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