Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
