Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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