Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Im part way to drunk.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
