I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
