you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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