I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
