The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
