Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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