I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
